This is one of the hardest things I have ever written. It's hard for me to show the cracks in my shell. But it's time I show them and the process of faith and love that helps heal them.
Will I ever write this letter? One of those lines from a song that strikes a chord in my heart.
My mother never gave up on me. Even when I was just a thought. She tried for 20 years to give me life. She suffered 8 losses. She named each of them strong family names, even though they never had the chance to breathe. I think of them often... Why me. Why did I make it?
My mother was my house, my glue my hero! She was so much of my life. When I lost her on December 11th, 2014 I thought for sure I would take my last breath. I couldn't see living without her. My greatest fear in my life was losing her. How could I go on without her cheering me on the sidelines of my life?
As this chapter was going on my personal relationship was also falling apart. Realizing quickly that not only have I lost my mother I was also losing this last string. Now you think all of that is enough... Oh no... I had the plan to move to California and not as much as a plan but a deep need in me to get here.
I have never felt a stronger feeling in the gut to do something. I had to get here no matter what! The obstacles were tossed from the Uhaul trucking company my truck was reserved going out of business the day before my move. Looking back that was such a small thing when I look how God was and is watching over me. Finding the Studio, my home (that's another beautiful story) to the instant friends I made here on my second day! Really who does that :)
So many beautiful things have taken place. It's like my Mother is hand picking these beautiful souls in my life. I have never felt so loved! I have also never felt so alone.
I feel alone because she was so much of my day. My first call of the day around 7 am. We would talk about what was on the books for today.
Most days an afternoon recap as I told her everything. "Hey, mother I get to photograph John Elway today. I had to Google who he is, and she laughs as she knows who he is".
Every night I called between 7 and 9 pm to recap my day. She wanted to know it all, gave her advice regardless if you asked. She would end those calls with I love you to the moon and back! Stay close to the Lord, ask and you shall receive and nothing ventured nothing gained!
I could write a novel of her stories. They would make you laugh till you cried. This last year has been me allowing healing to enter. Lots and lots of tears! I have been writing (and I am not one to write). In fact, my life after her has been turned upside down! The time alone has made me look deep in the mirror and look for what we are all looking for... Our purpose! You know what I have found since I have been here? My soul purpose of why I made it. My soul purpose for getting up every day without that 7 am phone call? My purpose for recapping my day without that call? My purpose has never changed. I live and breathe photography. I live and breath studying, watching observing how I can be better at telling a story through the lens.